


The Tony Apocalypse

by Chimata



Series: Marvel Movies My Way [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Gen, I ship Tony with Happiness, POV Multiple, Slice of Life, Tony Adopts Everyone, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-09-23 07:27:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9646307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimata/pseuds/Chimata
Summary: So I wrote a story, basically a collection of one-shots connected together called "But Pepper." I ended it with the first Avengers movie but I kinda wanted to continue it following the other movies.Previously on this story thing, Tony adopted Jamie (Bucky), Clint, Natasha, Bruce, and Loki. Fury fears the worst like the Tower shooting into Space or giant robotic squids.It's crazy time with the Avengers.





	1. Geniuses! Motherfucking Adorable Geniuses!

Three days had passed after Fury let all the crazy people move in together and nothing big had exploded or at least nothing that Fury had to deal with exploded. In fact, he had three weeks of normal evil fuckers doing predictable evil things. But standing outside Avengers Tower, he knew now those three weeks were simply the calm before the storm. Further, he wasn’t sure if thick tree branches coming out of portals and wrapping themselves around Avengers Tower counted as an apocalyptic event, but it was certainly shit that had Fury being pulled out of his bed at ass crack o’clock.

“We both know you were in your office and nowhere near anything resembling a bed.” Coulson slides up next to Fury with his signature cocked eyebrow far above the dark pair of shades perched on his nose. Fury has known that man far too fucking long because Cheese can read all his expression far too well for the Director’s liking. He needed to be feared for Godsakes. And sure maybe he hasn’t had a decent night sleep since 1978, but that doesn’t mean he signed away his right to complain about stupid shit when he joined SHIELD.

“It’s still ass crack of Stark should have been asleep like a good billionaire and not doing whatever the fuck he was doing that caused this.”

“Sir, this could have easily been caused by some outside force. There is no evidence to suggest Stark caused this mess.” Fury gives Coulson his ‘bitch, please’ face and directs the agent towards the genius. The genius who is currently laughing like an old-school Bond villain and childishly bouncing on his fucking toes with maniacal glee. “We both know he still react like that even if this was an outside force.” True. The man adopted an assassin and a space Viking. There really is only one way to resolve this issue.

“Stark!” Fury barks. The genius waves at the Director and Fury jabs his finger at the ground near his feet. Stark finally decided to skip over, still giggling.

“How may I serve you O’ Director, my Director?”

“Explain the magical tree gripping around the Tower and freaking my agents out.”

“It’s not magic, it’s science. Science Cyclops, science.”

“Fine. Explain the motherfucking science tree.”

“It’s a tree Fury. What is there to explain? They photosynthesize, create oxygen, make fruit and are great for holding something up-”

“Stark.” Fury growls.

“-like the different realms.”

“Stark.” He knew the genius had caused this. It had Tony Stark written all over it.

“What did you expect me to do with the knowledge of portals and teleportation and aliens? Multiple dimensions is a thing Fury. It is a thing that I needed to understand. I need answers to all of life's important questions! Like is there a Tony without a goatee. Is he the evil Tony or the good Tony? I need to know if I’m evil Fury. I need to know!” Stark is breathing hard, his eyes look even more unhinged than they normally do, and Fury curses Director Carter caused she encouraged this kind of behavior.

“Stark when did you last sleep?”

“Oh? Umm. Yesterday? I slept before the SI meeting on Tuesday.” It’s Saturday.  

The branches creak and moan around the Tower causing the building to shift and apparently allow something to shake loose then drop at Fury’s feet. The thing moans, “Tree’s are evil. Mother was right. I should never have trusted the tree.” The figure, Loki, slumps once more at Fury’s feet.

“Great we found Loki.”

“He was missing?”

“Maybe? Kinda of? I was focused on the tree portal.”

“Where are the other Avengers? Are they missing too?”

“Bruce transformed into the Hulk and jumped into one of the first portals. I’m sure he’ll come back when he’s bored. Thor took Jane on a date in Geneva. As for the others, you sent them on missions.” He thought if he kept them busy nothing crazy would happen. Stupid. He should have known the geniuses need babysitting. Wait.

“First portal?”

“What? Oh, right. The portals are totally multiplying. They’ll probably run out of space then exploded.” Stark takes a breath, and his maniacal grin grows. “Or they’ll fold onto themselves. That could prove interesting. JARVIS are you scanning? JARVIS? You should be scanning everything.”

“Stark?”

“What? Can’t this wait, I’m sciencing Fury.”

“The portals Stark.”

“I know. JARVIS is getting the scans.”

“No, closing them so New York isn't covered in trees.” Stark blinks and turns to squint at the rippling branches edging toward the other builds.

“Huh.” Huh, he says. “We have to wait for Hulk thought. So, science!” There is not much Fury can say to that, the Hulk is needed as an Avenger and Stark would be inconsolable for weeks if he lost his Science Bro. Better to wait for the giant to return. Focus on what you can do and do not get swept into the crazy. Fury shifts his gaze to his feet, where the green adopted Asgardian rests, he might need medical attention.

Fury kneels. “Loki do you need any help? Were you hurt?”

“I am fine mortal.”

“I didn’t think it was traditional for a Prince of Asgard to sleep in the dirt.”

“There are some things that are beyond your understanding, Nickolas.”

“Uh, huh. I’ll just see if someone else needs help.”

“Wait.”

“Yes.”

“I ache.” The Prince pouts. “I may need some assistance.” Fury carefully picks Loki up from the ground and carries, the surprisingly light, alien to one of the medical camps. “Thank you.” The Director nods and steps back to head towards Stark. A guttering roar shatters the air and Loki flinches. Fury cocks a brow at the god. “My last experience with the Green Bean was not exactly pleasant.” He huffs, stuttering over the nickname. Can’t argue with that, the nickname, however, was fair game.

“Green Bean?”

“You mock, but Anthony insists. The mortal is hard to refuse.”

“True.” The many shining portals were beginning to shake before popping closed like fireworks and raining broken wood down on the many SHIELD agents scurrying around the Tower. For a Tony induced storm, the fallout wasn’t too bad. Maybe the whole crazy thing would work out.

“Although, I am curious to see how Anthony completes his research on Yggdrasil and what sort of AI he decides to imbue his device with.”

Motherfucking Geniuses!


	2. Three Means Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three instances of the resident genius in Avengers Tower being idiots.  
> Also, Beware the Rhodey. He does indeed bite.

“Rho-bo Muffin, you jealous yet? It’s okay to be jealous. No one can replace my Rhodey.”

“What would I be jealous of exactly?”

Tony blinks because Rhodey should have heard about the Avengers by now, surely. How Tony found the cube with his new friends, how he science with a new Science Bro, and fought back aliens with his new friends. All his new friends. “I have friends.” The Avengers are his friends, right? He never asked. Crap. What if he’s just the guy who makes and pays for all the cool shit. 

Tony watches Rhodey roll his eyes on the screen. “Yes, Tony. I heard about the Avengers and how I wasn’t informed of the world ending invasion party.” That sounds like jealousy. Ha!

“Come now, Super Fudge, just because I have more friends than you know doesn’t mean you’ll be forgotten.”

“You do not have more friends than me.”

“I have a nine whole friends who are not you.”

“First of all, friendship is not a competition.” Says you. Everything's a competition, Howard taught Tony at least that much. “Second, I have more than nine friends. Social people tend to make a friend or two at every stage of their life. And not take an alien invasion as a bonding opportunity.”

“Hey! I only did that with Jolly Bean, Baby Ice, and Hammer Time. Red October, Jet Black, Green Arrow, and the American Flag were my friends before that whole freaking space death portal tried to kill me.”

“Jet Black?”

“Guy is a bounty hunter with a cyborg limb, who used to be a cop. It's an anime. Arrow is a huge otaku and has been showing me all the anime classics. Reminds me of college.”

“So the Avengers are treating you right?”

“You make it sound like they’re collectively dating me.”

“If it makes you happy.”

“Rhodey I am not dating anyone.”

“Good. Hiding a secret superhero boy band is one thing but I’m not okay with you not gossiping with me about a potential love interest.”

“There is no love interest.”

“There better not be. I will bribe JARVIS to spy on you.”

“Rhodey. No love! Only science.”

“Good.” Rhodey narrows his eyes. “Not even Barnes.”

“He goes by Jamie Winter now.”

“Oh, sorry. Not even Winter cause I remember a particular genius telling me about his first crush.”

“No, Rhodey! Why are you so intent on my non-existent love life anyway. I do not need marriage to be complete.” Rhodes shifts around in his seat. Now, it’s Tony’s turn to narrow his eyes. “Is everything going okay with Carol?”

“What? No? Carol and I are good. Why would you even? I mean why would anything go wrong or be wrong? Everything is great. Really great.”

“Rhodes Rhodey Rho-Rho-”

“You know that’s not my legal name.”

“What happened between you and Carol?”

He sighs. “She got mad that you made me a flying suit of armour and not her.”

“In my defense, she didn’t spend four years holding up my hair in the bathroom.”

“No, no. She isn’t mad at you. Just me.”

“Is this another one of your strange soldier flirting games.”

“Yes, Tony. That’s exactly it.” Rhodey deadpans.

“Oh, good. Do you want to join the Avengers and live with me?”

“Is this another one of your tricks to get me to work for you?”

“Rhodey! I am insulted that you would even think such a thing. I am an Avengers. I am moral and stuff.”

“Uh, huh.”

“But no. Technically the only way to work for me now is to join SI R&D cause Pepper is CEO.”

"What about the Avengers?"

“Cap on paper but Clint has way more experience so he is the unofficial teacher like leader while Natasha is the second in command.”

“Huh, you didn’t try and become the leader?”

“Eww. Rhodey-boo you know responsibility gives me hives. Why would you even suggest such a thing? No, instead, I’m Captain of making everything Awesome.” And as long as he doesn’t fuck up that one job, he’ll have friends. He can totally do that. Cap says the new gear really helps. Yeah.

“Okay.” Okay? Okay, what? Did Tony lose the plot again? No, it’s still the same day. “I’ll see if the Air Force won’t mind lending War Machine out to the Avengers.”

“Trying to get full use of that name before the Government changes it to something stupid.”

“Shut up.”

“Like Flag Machine.”

“Tony.”

“Or War for Freedom. The acronym would sound like woof. You’d take a bite out of terrorism.”

“Tones, please.”

“Fine. I can’t wait to introduce you to everyone.”

“And I can’t wait to grill each and every single last one of those so called heroes.”

“Rhodey, come on. I’m not a baby.”

“Especially, Captain Steve Rogers.”

“Don’t scare my new friends away.”

“I won’t.” He sings leaving the ‘if they're your real friends’ left unsaid. 

@@@

Things had been good, perfect even. Tony provide Candyland, and more, like all he had to do was pull a fully stocked chemistry lab from his back pocket. Pulled out three in fact. Romanoff was stalking him, but Clint said she get over it soon enough. Thor and the Big Guy were smashing buddies now while Bruce and Steve often meditated in the morning. Yet he’s go-bag sat, still packed, underneath his bed. He tried not to think about what that meant.

“Bruce there is this Science thing that Pepper is making me give a lecture at so people don’t forget that I, apparently, science. Which I’m not sure how people could forget I science. Ironman, anyone. That is an art form of science perfection that I splash on the news every time the Avengers save some guy's cat. Splash. Tony can science. Another splash Tony can science and look good while doing it. Splash again. I am a genius for crying out loud.” Bruce waits for Tony to take a breath. It’s a little rude, but once Tony gets going, it’s hard for him to stop. 

“Good Morning, Tony.”

“Right. Morning, Jelly Bean.”

“What can I do for you today?”

“Go to my science lecture with me, so I’m not bored by potential morons.”

“Tony.”

“What it’ll be fine. There are plenty of interesting science progression in your field of study.”

“Tony, you know I can’t.”

“What? The Hulk. Don’t be the wrong side of the pillow BB. The Hulk is a marshmallow and will probably fall asleep at the first words out of some brainiacs mouth that isn’t me.”

“Tony, no.”

“Ah, come on Brucie Bear.”

“No, it's too dangerous.”

“It will be fine.”

“Tony, no!”

“You’re eyes flashed. I finally got to see the green flash. Awesome. Loki! Come here and see the flashing eyes. Brucie is a werewolf! WereHulk? Doesn’t matter. Flash the eyes again.”

“Anthony. The Hulk is not some mortal parlour trick. Calm yourself.”

“Don’t you want to see his eyes flash green?”

“If I wanted to see eyes rapidly change color all I would need to do is look in a mirror.”

“Your eyes are already green.”

“Yes, but as a frost giant, I can flash them red.”

“I completely forgot about that. Loki transform.”

“I am not going to ‘transform’ for your amusement Stark.”

“You’re right.”

“I am? Of course, I am. I am Loki of Asgard.”

“You need to choreograph the transformation to music and some dance movies. JARVIS can add some special effects too.”

“What?”

“You are a magical girl Loki and we must act appropriately. Come let us find Barton, he’ll know what to do.”

“Anthony, stop. I don’t know what you are referring to. What if I don't want to be this magical girl thing?”

"Everyone wants to be a magical girl. It's the new Batman!"

Bruce smirked as Loki, who could have easily shaken Tony off, is dragged away by the small brunette man. Maybe it was finally time to unpack. 

@@@

The best thing about the Tower is definitely the vents. No wait, the best thing is the AI coffee machines. No, the archery range or maybe, the sniper nest atop the Tower. No, Clint was right the first time, the vents are the best thing. They’re reinforced, have pockets perfect for nest with pizza and weapons, and run everywhere in the Tower creating a steel maze that just understands Clint. Is it creepy to think that the Tower vent’s get him on a deeply atomic level? No, it isn’t. The Universe (formerly named Tony) created this place, where he truly belong because the Universe understands the need to pretend the world isn't real some days. Like today. Today is a no reality day with Pokemon.

Clint blinks. “JARVIS someone slept in my nest. And he still there and playing my Pokemon.”

“The caring for the imaginary pets is amusing but I don’t understand the cowardice of these Johtoians sending their pets to fight their battles. Do these bit-people not understand honor?”

“You are not me.”

“No, I am Loki of Asgard. Are you having an out-of-body experience Hawk?”

Clint blinks. “Mortals can’t do that.” Loki shrugs a habit he recently picked up. “Why are you here Loki?”

“JARVIS said you would understand my need to hide.”

“Okay. Hide from what?”

“Banner and Stark, of course.” Of course. Clint should have gleamed that Loki would want to hide from his new best friends. Cause Banner and Stark are just so scary. Well, Banner can be. Clint wants to shove Loki out of his nest; other people are not allowed in the nest. Even Coulson only has a three-day visa, and Natasha can only visit on the super bads days. He should say as much, but the freakishly tall alien is shyly peeking over the game boy color. “JARVIS said you would be amenable to hiding me.”

“Yeah, sure. Scoot over.” Clint grabs his Black Widow blanket, and Coulson’s shield pillow then settles next to Loki ready to watch the snow Viking fumble his way through Pokemon.

“You don’t wish to raise an objection?”

“Nope.” Sure, Pokemon is a “kids” game but can’t the damn green themed snow white man show some hesitation or cause one or three Pokemon to faint.

“But I’ve wronged you and this is your safe place?” Fury’s eyepatch! He did not want to think about that. That’s why he was here. Damn suffocating blue and SHIELD agents who couldn’t keep their fucking filters on.

“We already sorted the whole not your fault thing.”

“Tis an logical explanation that does not address your emotions.” Talking, his therapist said, talking helps. Ignoring everything and eating pizza helps too. Pokemon are great for emotional crap. He wanted his damn Pokemon. That was the problem with SHIELD provide therapist, they didn’t understand the healing power of Pokemon.  

“Thor wants to have a real sibling relationship with you and redeem himself for being a dick. I get that. I also get that it would not help the situation if we just dumped you back into Asgard.” 

“So you forgive for Thor.”

“That and I had an older brother too.”

“I see.” Loki is already at Morty’s Gym. Ghost Pokemon is the best. Ghastly and Mismagius. Yep, totally the best. “Thor’s similarities to male genitalia aside. I did not handle the news of my adoption well.” Clint doesn’t remember doing anything particularly mean to Tony recently. But maybe he missed something. Why else would JARVIS visit this horror during Clint’s me time?

“Loki, listen. My best friend and partner is so emotionally constipated she thinks her emotions should be liquefied and poured into the water supply so they can affect others. Coulson the guy I trust to always get me home from a mission thinks the best way to handle negative emotions is to convert them into a passive-aggressive bullshit superpower. If he threatens to tase you, it's his way of saying he likes you. Trust me when I say I get it and we’re cool. Okay?”

“I understand.”

“And stop hiding from Tony and Bruce. They are not gonna wake up one day and decide they're sick of you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Bruce is scared that you are gonna hate him cause the Hulk can totally take you." 

"Why would I fear that? Plenty of Asgardians at home can 'take me.'"

"And Tony has enough abandonment issues to power the world for centuries. It’s the answer to the world's energy crisis and the arc reactor is those emotions in solid form.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Now play Pokemon. It has healing powers.”


	3. Let's Begin!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey vets the Avengers. Some might call him overprotective but he has long since stopped careing.

“I’ve gather you here for an informal interrogation. In alphabetical order.”

“This is the communal living room.” A man with purple glasses pipes up which Rhodes identifies as Level 7 Agent Clint Barton of SHIELD.  

Rhodey reviews the records in his head going around the room. He almost expects to see Tones curled into a corner a common sight from college. Instead, he is laying across, not one, but two laps. Tony’s head in a red head’s lap and his feet propped against a cyborg’s leg. Level 7 Agent Natasha Romanoff and former Hydra Assassin the Winter Soldier.

In fact, no one in the group was off from the rest. The bodies made a chain around the room. Starting with the obvious Captain America starring far too intently at Uno cards. Along with a smaller bespectacled man, Doctor Bruce Banner presumably, a lanky man-Prince Loki-, and a burly blonde with an easy smile-Prince Thor. 

The Uno players intense game remind Rhodey of a manga battle, he could swear that he saw spirit animals growling in the background of the three Uno players. Except for Thor, who just seemed to be enjoying the show. The Archer acted as a connector between the two groups perched on the couch. Like an actual bird. Although there was a strange outlier that Rhodes didn't recognize from JARVIS’ files.

Maybe Rhodey should invest in some bird seeds.

“Who the fuck is the new guy sitting beneath the bird?” Crap. Rhodes hadn't meant to ask that. He had more important shit to deal with.

“Clint’s co-designated emotionally stable adult.” Agent Romanoff teased with a smirk.

At the same time, Clint waved at Steve and remarking that “he is Steve's new adrenaline junky friend to keep Jamie from killing Cap cause the man couldn't recognize a parachute if Nat killed him with one.”

“Hey! I'm not that bad.”

“Who kept tabs on their wings?” Captain America throws into the conversation.

“And who cried when Tony called those wings creative trash and dissected them to make a new pair?” Clint snickers while taping on the game controller with precision.

“A man is allowed to be attached to his equipment. You’d cry if someone did that to your bow.”

“My love of arrows is far purer than yours and Cap dance with death.”

“I plead the fifth.” Rogers calm states and haphazardly throwing a card onto the middle pile.

“Traitor.” Sam intones.

Rhodes decided to ignore. . . Everything.

“So first is Doctor Banner.”

“I am busy, random stranger. A certain bear needs to know his place.” The scientist boldly pushes up his glasses.

“I don’t have an inkling what you’re referring Doc. I’m the man with the plan after all.” Captain Rogers gives a heart-warming smile of innocence as the imaginary bear behind him growls threateningly at Banner’s imaginary raccoon. Although, Prince Loki was giggling and Rhodey feels very seriously that someone should be worried about that.

“Interrogation people.” Rhodes smacks his clipboard against the door.

“Clint this is on you.”

“But you’re the goddamn leader. Why do I have to do this shit? I am playing a very serious game of Kirby. Make Natasha do it. She loves interrogations.”

“I’ve got cat on lap.”

“Tony is not an actual cat, you know.” Agent Romanoff simply raised a brow in counter-argument and the bird was silenced. Very interesting. The bird frowns and cocks his head as birds do. A sharp sensation from Agent Barton’s intense stare crawls up Rhodes' spine. “Who are you, random stranger?”

“Lieutenant Colonel James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes. Pleasure.”

The Hawk shifts around his perch while Tony remains oblivious to the whole situation. Probably will continue to do so until someone takes away his Stark pad.

“JARVIS?”

“The random stranger is who he claims, Agent Barton.”

“Hmm.” 

It’s hard to read a man, when you can’t see his eyes. Yet Rhodey smirks. The rooms eyes are all on him now. He isn’t some NPC easily dismissed. Although, the Black Widow should have acknowledge that herself. Rhodes mouths ‘witch’ at the redhead but Barton is the one who cackles in response. “Well?”

“You’re up Doctor B.” Clint shrugged.

“Sigh. I suppose.”

@@@

First Interrogation: Doctor Bruce Banner A.K.A the New Science Bro:

“Where were you on May 3rd, 1997 at 2 am?”

“Asleep? Probably. Maybe doing something. Who can remember that stuff?”

“I was in my room talking to Tony about space.”

“You’re kind of creepy.” But the scientist smiles like it’s a compliment.

“It is what it is.”

“Sure. So Older Brother is there an actual reason you’re conducting this thing or…” Banner trails off still smiling but Rhodes, he doesn’t trust it.

“There are a lot of people in the world who think that taking advantage of Tony is only naturally given his status but I disagree. Vehemently.”

“I see.” Banner closes his eyes and rubs a bit at the tip of his nose. While Rhodes waits patiently.

Doctor Banner or the Hulk is a low priority on Rhodes list after all he is a fan of Banner’s radiation work and how it can be applied to rockets. The man has worked for what he has earned and even when given the opportunity to take advantage of his father’s renown in the scientific community, he hasn’t. Although, some of that might be due to his Banner Sr. current location in prison. However, with an enemy like General Ross, Tony would be a valuable ally.

“I can’t say I haven't taken advantage of Tony’s kindness but, to me, Tony is special. Even if he has a strange way of showing it.”

“Alright. Please send in Agent Barton.”

@@@

Second Interrogation: Agent Clint Barton of SHIELD A.K.A Engineer Bro.

Barton shambles into the meeting room with a large yawn, scratching his head. The Agent’s eyes continue to remain hidden behind a flashy pair of sunglasses and Rhodes can still feel that assessing gaze. When the slow moving man finally manages to make it to the chair, the agent just manages to dump himself in the piece of furniture. Barton even kicks up his legs atop the table.

“Yo.”

A snort escapes unbidden, after all, Rhodes is fully aware how much of an act this is, but it’s a well-crafted one. “Agent Barton or Hawkeye of SHIELD.”

“Aye.”

“What is your job in the Avengers exactly?”

“Thier fucking babysitter.” Clint bites and waving an arm in the air. “Bunch of crazies the lot of them. And I got voted the adult because everyone spoils Tony too much.”

“You think Tony is spoiled?”

“No! And that’s the fucking problem. The man would probably work himself or sacrifice himself into an early grave. It’s annoying. I wanted him to be like what the collective masses think of the dork. Less fucking work for me. Not some adorable anime character. He keeps staring at me with those big brown eyes. I do not have time for this.”

“Uh, huh.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about Dear Elder Brother.” 

Rhodey smirks. He hasn’t the faintest idea about what the bird speaks. 

Hawkeye is an interesting case. His mission accomplishments speak of his mind, but the bird has multiple misconduct citations as well. A man of skill and not much else apparently. The only thing to note is the mission that brought a Black Widow into the SHIELD fold. And his weapon choice along with the amount of resources needed to support that choice. 

“About your arrows?”

“Yeah, me and Tony build a lot of them together. It’s a lot of fun. I have a grand dream now because of him.”

“A dream?”

“Yup. Pizza arrow.”

“That sounds completely useless.”

“But fun.”

“Sure.”

“Scoff. You don’t respect the arrows. Tony respects the arrows.”

“I see. Would you send in Prince Thor next please.”

“Did I pass?”

“I wonder.”

Barton pushes off the table and backflips behind the chair landing with a flourish. “As you say.”

@@@

Third Interrogation: Prince Thor of Asgard A.K.A Thunder Puppy:

“You have no need to fear Elder Brother of My Shield Brother. I appreciate all the kindness given to me by the Man of Iron. He is an upstanding King.”

“What makes you think Tony is a King?”

The burly man leans back flexing his crossed arms and staring goofily up at the ceiling. Stark white plaster might be a sight for an alien used to gaudy golden halls, but white is white.

“I imagined that Stark’s company was equated to King’s power and responsibility. Am I wrong?”

Rhodes glances down at the files he collected. Prince Thor’s on the top and open to the general information page. The crown prince of Asgard is a puzzle, not that it’s Rhodey’s job to figure out, but his motivations must be evaluated. A King of aliens with technology far advanced than anyone, minus Tony, could possibly comprehend. Yet the man seems only interested in that quantum physics scientist. Rhodes finds it suspicious and wouldn’t be surprised if alien Viking politics bleeds into Earth issues. The prince could provide to be a problem for Tony down the line.

“Maybe. Is that why you decided to stay on Earth?”

“Ah, Anthony was the one who suggested I stay. A young adult rebellion and a chance to reconcile with my younger brother. That’s something you could understand. Right?”

Can’t argue with the man there but Rhodes doesn’t trust the prince. Even with that giant innocent grin. So the Colonel ignores him and taps a pen on the table. “Please send in your younger brother.”

“Of course.”

@@@

Fourth Interrogation: Prince Loki of Asgard A.K.A Quantum Physics Bro and Sad Reindeer:

The first thing the second prince of space Vikings does is huff, click his tongue and send a glare towards Rhodes’ way. It’s adorable and reminds him of a destined meeting with a similar pressure genius with the hope that there was a way to fight fate. Except Tony’s fate appears to be more resilient that this alien.

“Shall we get this over with? I have more important things to do.”

“Yes. Yes. Losing at Uno is the greatest of deeds. I shall endeavor to end this quickly little Prince.” 

Another click of his tongue but the teen has yet to sit down. Loki is an easy case, although the files would suggest that the younger brother is more clever than his elder brother, no doubt this is true, yet Thor is no fool either. 

Rhodes wants to laugh. Apparently, multiple Avengers prefer the fool mask. 

It still stands that Thor could prove more a burden than an ally compared to the younger brother.

“I was not losing.”

“Yeah, you were.”

“How can you possibly ascertain such a thing?”

“I can read you.”

“Highly unlikely. I am the Trickster of the Nine Realms.” The kid says that so proudly and Rhodes resists the temptation to pat Loki on the head. He totally understands Tony’s desire to adopt this one especially since Prince Loki’s motivations are far more clear than his brother. But there is the problem with the whole invasion situation. 

“Indeed. Doesn’t change the fact. I do have one question for you.”

“About the Invasion?” Prince Loki leans against the door as his face sharpens.

“Yep.”

“Ask.”

“What was the level of your involvement?”

“A scary man said to do a thing, and I did.”

“Is that from Tony or Agent Barton?”

“Barton’s way of lazily stringing about words is entertaining.”

“Ah. Understood.”

“Anything else?”

“What do you think of Tony?”

“Anthony has far too soft a heart.” 

Rhodes not too sure what to say to that. Not like he disagrees, but Tony is much more than that. “Please send in Captain America next.”

“I will.” Prince Loki pushes himself from the wall and turns his back to Rhodes. “No one here wishes to harm Anthony.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“I’m sure you have. There are fools in all these many worlds.”

@@@

Fifth Interrogation: Captain Steve Rogers:

Ugh. This man is an issue whether he has any malicious intent or not. Definitely a problem. Love interest to one Peggy Carter founder of SHIELD, best friend of the founder of Stark Industries, and Captain of the Howling Commandos. There is a ghost standing behind Rogers, Howard Stark. Rhodes wonders if the Captain sees the ghost too or remains oblivious. The Colonel can’t read much from the simple American boy persona that the good Captain wears.

The Captain shifts in his seat but still he remain silent with a smile. Ugh. Maybe Rhodes should have skipped this meeting and just gone straight to driving the man out of Tony’s life. But Tony wouldn’t be happy with that and probably find some way to place blame on himself. Seriously, Rhodes would swear that Tones used his intelligence for two things placing guilt on his own shoulders and inventing the future. Common sense and relationships were always the action of an idiot for Tones. Ugh. This annoying super soldier should have just stayed in the ice. Who needs him anyway? Not Tony. And SHIELD found him because their all fan boys who have nothing better to do. Dumb fucking fanboy should have just kept their Captain America obsession at ComicCon. Maybe blackmail would work. Yet the insufferable man probably wouldn't leave Barnes here and Tony is unreasonable attached to that man. Ugh. Ugh.

“Umm. Excuse me. Are we not having an interview?”

Ugh. Damn him and his perfect smile. “No, it's an interrogation.”

“Sure.” Rogers props his head on his hand with his elbow on the table smiling encouragingly.

Ugh. Rhodes can feel the goosebumps all up both his arms. “I'll be straight with you Captain Rogers-”

“Please. Call me Steve.”

“This is not a fucking Love game. You bastard!” Oops. He lost his temper, but some things can't be helped. Weather Rhodes temper burns out or is forced to transform into something more decisive depends on Rogers. And how truly oblivious this man is.

“I have no idea what that is.”

“Of course. But that hardly matters Rogers.”

“Steve.” He innocently insists with a grin.

“As things stand, Captain, us being friends is never going to happen.”

The Captain smile flickers but there is resolve in those perfect blue eyes. “But there is a chance.”

“Perhaps. Would you like to hear a story Captain?”

“A story?”

“Yes, a ghost story.”

“I do like horror movies.”

“Once upon a time there was an idiot who threw himself into a frozen sea. He died without much fan gate but one bastard claimed the idiot was still alive. The bastard said he saw the idiot everywhere he went. It haunted him, so he searched the frozen sea but never found him. Yet that idiot ghost continued to haunt him. Till the bastard himself died and decided to haunt his son. Now there were two ghost, and both haunt the bastard’s son.” Rhodes leans back breathing a soft sigh and waving at the idiot who finally lost that annoying grin. “What do you think, eh?”

“I am very much alive.”

“Yes, well, a ghost often has nothing to do with the actual dead. Only the living can mourn after all.”

“I see.” Rogers' eyes are drawn downwards, but a certain stubbornness remains steadfast in those superhero steroids shoulders. “Tony can't tell the difference between me and the ghost?” His voice quivers giving Rhodes a glimpse of a young man not even past majority of his twenties.

“Most of the time, he probably can. Tones is a genius after all.”

“But.”

“But there a chance you might invoke the other ghost and Tones definitely can't when that happens.”

Blue eyes shift up, and his jaw clenched. “I am grateful for everything Tony has done for someone like me who deserves none of it.”

“Do you at least understand how dangerous you are to Tony? How vulnerable you make him?”

“Probably. But if a take a step too far Nat or Jamie would probably kill me.” Now Rogers smiles wide with a hint of mischief.

“And you are okay with that?”

“As long as they don't bury me in Jersey.”

“And Winter would really kill you for Tony?”

“Probably.” The levels of mischief increased in that smile of his.

“Hmm. If you say.”

“I do.”

“Would you send in Agent Romanoff?”

“Sure. Sure. Overprotective Older Brother.”

@@@

Sixth Interrogation: Agent Natasha Romanoff A.K.A Kickass Ballerina of Instant Death:

She glares, and Rhodes glares right back. It's a battle of wills that would usually end in his defeat. But not today! Damn that spider.

“Rhodes.”

“Romanoff.”

“Now we have established that both are names begin with an ‘R.'”

“Indeed.”

“What did you think of Barton?”

“Far too perceptive for my liking.”

“True.” She tilts her head an inch to the right. Two elegant fingers gracefully placed under her chin. 

“Apparently Tony forgave you for the crap you pulled.”

Those pale digits twitch. “That wasn't a question.” 

“I hadn't intended it to be such.”

“I see. Do you disagree?”

“I do.”

“I see.” She crosses a perfectly toned leg over the other and tilts her head some more. Smoothly. Like a mechanical doll. Something men always seem to possess. Yet it is certainly a trap.

Rhodes leans back against his own seat and taps a small beat on the table with his pen. Specifically the beat from Highway to Hell. Good song and fits the Black Widow to a ‘T.' 

“He is our tower, so we shall be his knights.”

“We?”

“You, Pepper, Clint, and I. A knight for each direction.”

“Tony doesn't like to be called a Disney princess.”

“But he is one.”

“Agreed.”

@@@

Seventh Interrogation: Sam Wilson A.K.A Captain America’s Adrenaline Buddy:

“You just thought something rude about me.”

Rhodes did. “No, I didn't. Random stranger trespassing on Stark property.”

Wilson slams a hand on the harden wood table. There is a pause. Rhodes suspects that must have seriously hurt. “I live here. Dragged from my home by a sunglasses diva I had only ever seen on tv.”

“I heard the situation was more like Rogers placing your ‘wings’ under a cardboard box with a string and catching you when you fell for it.”

“I'm not some wild animal. Damn them.” There some more pounding on the table and sobbing too.

“A falcon is a wild animal that can be tamed. It was a favored pet back in the day.”

“Asshole!”

“True.”

“So I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Did Tony corrupt you or was it the other way around?”

Rhodey doesn't even notice the sly the smile that spreads across his face. “What do think?”

“Demon.”

“Heh.”

@@@

Final Interrogation: Former Lieutenant James “Bucky” Barnes/ Hydra Assassin Winter Soldier A.K.A Jamie Winter.

Truthfully this particular Interrogation worries Rhodes the most. After all, the relationship began with an attempted assassination. Not even instigated by Winter himself but some mysterious hidden enemy. A weapon has no desire of their own, and their will is dependent on an individual outside of their understanding. You can't predict it or the agent controlling it either.

Is the man sitting across the table a human or still nothing more than a weapon?

It doesn't help that Winter is sitting expressionless while flipping a dagger in his flesh hand.

What should Rhodes do here? Make the first or wait for the other man out? Ask about the past or poke at the present? What is he supposed to do with such a pitiful being? A living ghost.

“I’m not a fan of Rogers.”

The ghost shrugged. “Me either.”

“Tony is stronger than anyone I know. But he makes himself vulnerable.”

“He reminds me of the morning star.”

“I'm not sure how to respond to that.”

“It is what it is.”

“You’re a weirdo.” 

“Takes one to know one.” The ghost says with a lopsided smile.

@@@

"I like your friends."

"Good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun. I do an enjoy an overprotective older sibling character. Trope as it might be. Oh well.


	4. Sleep is for the Worthy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genius babysitting is a thing! Or it should be. At least before they cause another alien level event. It's a good thing they're all adorable due to lack of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Babysitting genius should be a meme in the Marvel-verse. Cause of all the crazy geniuses.  
> Which is why I wrote this. 
> 
> Also, Clint is still annoyed at being the designated adult of the Avengers and for some completely unknowable reason, Wilson refuses to take over the job. (Smart Falcon, eh.)

Sleep. For Clint's next life he was going to ask God for sleep. And maybe pizza. No that was probably a little greedy. Sleep. Sleep and nothing else. How did he keep getting caught in these crazy missions? Budapest was one thing, but lately, all his SHIELD jobs went FUBAR. Bad luck? Maybe he was cursed? Lack of sleep can curse someone, right? That’s totally a thing. Right? Maybe he should ask JARVIS. A smart, super computer should have all the answers. Right? Right. What else is a man of the arrows supposed to do in this situation? The quest for sleep is a noble one, yet there are trials at every elevator. 

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, Agent Barton.”

“Why is Stark asleep in a lake of coffee?”

“An astute question Agent.”

“That doesn’t answer anything JARVIS.”

“True.”

Clint waits for a beat, but JARVIS says nothing more. It’s moments like this that has him wondering if JARVIS doesn’t approve of the Avengers. There is another beat where nothing is said. Ultimately what breaks the silence is the mumblings of a genius into his coffee lake. There are bubbles. It is a little worrying. 

“JARVIS, please.”

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary Agent. Sir has simply collapsed after ninety-two hours in the workshop.”

“Ninety-two! Straight? You’re shitting me. And this is normal?”

“Sir is not fond of sleep, and his relationship with that basic human function has gotten worse. But that hardly concerns you, Agent. You’ve just finished a forty-eight-hour mission. Please, have a nice rest. Sir will awaken from the cold floor eventually.”

Passive-aggressive British machine of annoying Clint when he needs to sleep. What does he want from him? This time it’s his lack of response that freezes the air between them. What does JARVIS expect from the Avengers? What possibly can a ghost of the machine fear? Mortality? Boredom? The end of the World? 

There is more noise from the fallen genius who is pawing at the floor like a dog having a nightmare. It’s cute. And Clint Barton does not use that word lightly. Still, he feels those electric ghosts eyes weigh heavily on him. Barton doesn't do well with expectations, for ultimately he always fails.

“Why me?”

“Excuse me, Agent. I did not catch that.”

“Nothing. Why can’t you just ask or badger the genius into sleeping? It can’t be too hard for you to guilt trip him, after all. Great Overseer.”

There is another pause. If JARVIS were human, he’d be calling Clint an idiot with his very British eyes. The British is important here. Or at least the Agents believes that to be true. Same difference, in the end.

“Everything I know I have learned from my Father, Barton. I’m not sure why anyone would expect a child to have any influence over their parent.”

Clint gets the feeling that JARVIS is smirking. Oh, he might be playing at all sweet and downtrodden, but that damn machine is definitely smirking. Fine. You evil Skynet. 

“JARVIS, mind doing a man a favor?”

“Of course.”

Of course, he says. Barton mumbles to himself as he lifts the sleeping genius from his watery bed. Might as well get this over with. Just why. 

“Call a meeting, wouldja.”

“At once, Agent Barton.”

“I don’t get enough sleep for all this drama.”

@@@

“I am tired, Clint. Why are we having a meeting right after a mission?”

“Super soldiers aren’t allowed to complain. Think about how I feel. Completely mortal with my bed sweetly serenading me only to be ignored because I tripped over a sleeping genius.” Clint dramatically stabs a finger at the still sleeping Tony.

Steve shifted a bit to get a better look at Tony curled in Jamie’s lap. “Speaking of which, why is Tony in Jamie’s lap?”

“Winter was the first to arrive and just scooped him up. And glared at me. It was so terrifying I feared for my life. Protect me, Tasha.”

Natasha produces a spray bottle from somewhere, Clint suspected the Negaverse, and spritz Jamie three times. “Bad dog. No scaring the birdies.”

Frankly, the former assassin appeared more concern that some spare drops might wake Tony than seeming remorse for his actions.

“Could we perhaps move this along? I have several delicate experiments ongoing currently.” Bruce leans forward expectantly, and Clint debates drawing things out. But spite requires energy, of which the Hawkeye has none. None to give and none to spare.

“On to the main program. JARVIS, please list all the crap Tony does that is job-related.”

“Sir has many things that require his attention. His primary role is the creator of all the new technology required by Stark Industries as the Head of R&D along with the mandatory meetings. Next is the creation of the Avengers gear as well as inventions requested by SHIELD as part of Sir consultant responsibilities. On top of that is Sir’s role as Ironman which includes training, actual missions, and analysis of both mission data or suspicious technology. There is, also, the PR role required of Mr. Stark for Stark Industries and the Avengers. This, of course, includes smoothing things over with the public, paying for collateral damages, handling the military and other politicians, and promoting the Avengers to various charities. Finally, there is the Maria Stark foundation many gallas, funding meetings, and grant request meetings.”

Clint stood froze blinking up at the ceiling with one thought running loop in his head.

“Fuck! That’s a lot.”

“Apptly put Rogers.” Clint has to agree with Tasha and nods his head. His own response is still stuck on the very important issue of how is Stark not dead from overwork.

“Aye. Any ruler of a sizable empire will have many responsibilities placed upon his shoulder, but this list sounds a bit excessive.” Thor stares at Tony with awe in his eyes as well as worry. However, the subject of discussion simply give as small snort and grumbles something in his sleep.

Clint is impressed. “Right. JARVIS called this meeting because he thought the Avengers weren’t pulling their weight and I have to agree. Fuck me with pogo stick because Stark takes workaholic to Super Saiyan levels of height.” The group blinks back at him. And Agent Clint Barton of SHIELD tearfully waves away his dream of ever being a lazy bum. It was inspiring while it lasted. “I can’t do anything about SI stuff, but I’ll help him with our gear and anything SHIELD related.”

Loki is the next to raise his hand. “I might be some use with analyzing mission data and non-Midgardian tech.”

Cap rubs his face while Clint reads dancing monkey again on the super soldier's lips. “Thor and I can help with the Avengers PR dealings since with have experience with that shit.”

“AYE!”

“Inside voices,” Jamie hisses as a first warning along with a knife that embeds itself between Thor’s legs.

“Aye,” Thor whispers this time. 

“I handle running around for both SI and the Foundation network. I’ve got a couple of aliases that could deal with that.” Natasha flips back imaginary hair forgetting for a moment her current short hair locks. Clint would snigger. He really would. But living is one of those things he is actually good at. So he doesn’t. Right now.

“Tony had me sign some stuff dealing with SI. So I can help with R&D stuff.” Bruce gives helpfully after Nat.

“I’ll take on some more missions.”

“Are you sure Jamie?” Cap asks with the whole Mama bear face in full force. Clint would waver, but the Winter Soldier stands tall. Or sits. Slumps? He’s in more of a slumped position with Tony still curled up in his lap. Eh. Winter Soldier slumps tall just sounds weird.

“I’m sure.”

“Excellent. JARVIS make the necessary arrangements.”

“At once Agent Barton.”

“Good. Do I have permission to sleep now?”

“I have no indication to what you could possibly be referring Agent.” Evil, evil super computer. Stuff wouldn’t happen to him if Stark acted like a normal person. And took care of himself. Stupid self-martyring genius. 

“I am sleeping.”

“Of course.”

Yet sleep was not in the stars for Barton because Bruce and Loki had to ruin everything. At the same time. Like it was purposely planned. Probably by Cap. The bastard.

“Bruce was that your stomach?” Clint foolishly asks.

“Yes.” The scientist blushes. “I might have forgotten to eat for the past day. Or two.”

“Uh, huh.”

There is another guttering roar but softer. And originating not from Bruce but from a lower floor.

Loki glanced thoughtfully towards the stairwell. “I might have left an Aether Crystal running. Or maybe it was the cursed mirror? No, I bet it was the Lamia heart.” Loki narrows his eyes then blinks a couple of times. “Wait I’m conducting moon studies. Thor, what day is it?”

“Brother have you forgotten that sleep is still a requirement even for Gods.” It sounds like a question. Why in the nine realms did Thunder Prince state it like it was a thing? The Tower gives a small shudder, and an alarm starts blaring. Clint falls dramatically to his knees and weeps. 

“Cap. New duty needs to be added to the list. Genius-sitting duty.”

“Agreed.” New unspeakable horrors await and fucking Captain America is grinning. 

Clint knew it was all his fault.

@@@

“Why is Natasha in the labs Jolly Green?”

“Babysitting.”

“Babysitting? I don’t need a babysitter. I demand a something because this is an unspeakable horror.”

“Tony she babysitting all of us.” Bruce makes a small hand gesture towards the engineer.

“Oh. You too.” 

“As well as Loki.”

“Well, okay then.” Tony crosses his arms and gives a small huff. “But I still object.”

“Of course you do.” Nat comments from the peanut gallery. 

“Mortals we may have a problem.” 

Loki enters the scene, and Tony doesn’t approve. He still has many things to complain. Like how he a grown ass man that doesn’t need any babysitter. Pepper doesn’t count. 

A shrill scream comes echoing from Loki’s designated work space. “Perhaps more than one.”

“Still think we don’t need babysitters?”

“I am a grown-ass man.”

Nat poses like an action hero against the wall. “Does that mean you don’t want me to get involved?”

The three genius glance at each other then collectively face the Black Widow pleading while all parrot the same thing. “Please save us, Natasha.”


	5. Take Three: Bombs!

“What were you thinking Tony?” Steve is in full Captain America mode with his look of disappointment in full force. Tony is pouting but none of the Avengers try to tell Cap to pull it back a notch. No. This time, Tony went too far. He baited a damn supervillain for fuck’s sake. 

“He’s a bully Steve. I couldn’t let him think I was afraid of him that’s their fucking power. Fear. So I showed him I wasn’t going to back down.” 

Clint could see Tony’s words bouncing around Steve's head and knew what was happening next before Cap did. “You do have a point.” Steve pauses for a moment before a mischievous grins overtakes his entire presences and claps Tony on the shoulder. “Welp, guys, Tony obviously had no choice. You did good.” 

Clint facepalms. Times like these he always seriously considers shooting Steve in the face. With a gun because the air-head junkie does not deserve death by arrows. 

Nat huffs trying for the moral high ground, but Clint knows she encourage the whole mess. “This is why Clint is co-leader. Neither of you two can stand up to bullies without getting yourselves unessarily hurt.” 

Sam raises his hand because that idiot thinks he is the ‘good student’. Only Loki listens, everyone on the team should be replaced with Loki. It would make life for Clint so much easier. Sam, ignoring that he too is at fault for Clint’s migraine looks up at Clint mournfully from his time-out spot on the floor. “Why am I in the bad corner too?”

“Because you tried to go head-to-head with a missile.” 

“But I won,” Sam whines. Steve and Tony give Sam the thumbs up like idiots. 

Jamie continues cursing in Russian in the background. And Clint agrees. Completely. “But you almost died taking a risk that you didn’t need to.” Clint glares at the three idiots. Because they almost died. He rubs a thumb at the corner of his temple. Sam, at least, looks remorseful. 

“We don’t have time for this.” Tony pipes up. “Something is very wrong about all these bombing.”

Clint can feel a part of himself snap. 

Tony get injured far too often. In the lab, from science. Which would be fine if Tony would treat the wounds. Instead, he laughs. He’ll blow himself up laughing the entire time, only to ignore all reason and ask for JARVIS to run the next phase. Or his suit of armour will smack into him during a test. Or he’ll inject strange nano machines without testing them first. There’s also his flagrant disregard of all his many attempted abductions. Dismissing broken arms or head injuries. Smiling confidently as he makes himself vulnerable all the fucking time.  

Clint’s kept his mouth shut. Glass house and all. But. BUT.

“I know it’s standard Stark procedure to forget my existence, but you cannot ignore my work. Tony found the solution. I need that solution for Extremist.”

Tension sparks. Apparently it’s a common feature of geniuses to be socially stupid. The raw anger rolling off both Sam and Steve isn’t much a problem. Maya’s whole character screams damsels-in-distress. The moral duo might get a metaphorical stab in or two but wouldn’t do any actual damage. The two children of Siberia were whole nother rubik's cube. Clint could feel Jamie and Tasha booting up Kill Mode and for a minute he thought about just letting them, yet he throws his arm up stopping them. He was an Avenger after all.

“Tony do you understand why we’re all upset with you?” Clint asks, ignoring Maya’s tongue click.

Tony’s eyes slide down and he scuffs his foot against the grown.“ I blew up the mansion and put Pepper in danger.” Clint’s resolve almost wavered. Almost.

“No. Well, yes. Mostly it’s because you put yourself in needless danger when you could have just asked for our help.”

“No.” Tony puffs his cheeks like a squirrel. Tony the fly squirrel.

Clint can see the others are starting to waver too. Jamie is already stretching out his arms to scoop Tony up in a comforting cuddle. But as painful as these is, it needs to be said. Fuck the lot of them for making Clint do it. “Yes, Tony.”

“No. I don’t want to be even more of a burden then I already am.”

“Tony you are not a burden.” Steve steps in looking hurt, their all hurt, but Tony might believe it from Cap. “You do more for this team than anyone. You have value as Tony, not just Ironman.”

“I was just trying to protect what’s important to me.”

“We all know that, Tony. Even Happy.”

Tony glances down at his feet. Steve’s words must be having some effect. Hopefully. But Clint can’t help but still be a little worried. Tony is gripping his fists tight and going off of Jamie’s (and Steve) small frown, Tony’s nails must be digging into his palms.

Sam raises his hand. “I’m confused. What’s this all about anyway?”

“It’s about my boss. He may be involved with Mandarin. But more importantly it’s, my life’s work and the fact Tony Stark has the answer to fixing Extremis.”

“Yeah, I totally feel you. Blackout Drunk Tony speaks with the Universe but rarely leaves understable clues.” 

The winds of the mini Siberia, which apparently sprung up into existence behind Clint, are growing stronger and the former dark-assassins blood lust is almost tangible as he can feel it crawling down his spine. Tony scrunches his nose. Because he is smart enough to know that something is going down but entire too oblivious to pinpoint what. Leading to some sort of misunderstanding.

“Nat, don’t be mad. I promise I’m not like that anymore.” There it is. Right on cue. Clint wants to curl up and cry a little. Maybe play some Pokemon.

“I’m not mad Tony.”

“You’re not?”

“No.” Tasha smiles so very sweetly and Tony naively grins back. Foolish Tony. Tasha is way past mad and firmly in murderous territory. Maya is a walking dead person with an attitude. 

How fun.

Just in case, Clint signs at Natasha, 'no killing.' She snorts. He decides to take that as a positive affirmation. 

“So we going to deal with shit.” Sam is still sitting on the floor but does manage some professionalism.

“Oh, yeah. Exploding people,” Tony chirps.

“Exploding people,” Tasha purrs.

“Avengers Assemble, I guess.” Clint will worry about that later. “Natasha and Tony will pair up to investigate the bombs. Steve and I will go with Maya. Sam you’re on dancing monkey duty.”

“Make Tony be the dancing monkey. He’s the one who picked the fight with bombman.”

“Sure. How is your understanding of thermodynamics and supervillain science?” Clint smirks.

Sam swipes his thumb across his neck. (Clint isn’t worried. He can totally take Falcon.) “I’m one smart cookie, you know.”

“Yes. Now go be a smart monkey.”

“Steveeeeeeeee.”

Steve smiles warmly and Sam’s eyes widen in shock. (He is a smart cookie, he knows it’s a trap.) “It’s either you or me, buddy.”

“Traitor.”

“Yup. Let’s get going Clint.”

“Sure.” Yet Clint doesn’t move forward. No, his movement has been stopped by the abominable snowman.

“What about me?” Jamie even points at himself.

“Stalk Steve or Tony. Your choice.”

Jamie nods and Clint is not surprised to find him following after Tony like a duck. The Winter Duck.

@@@

They’re in snow filled dumbland of fly-over, Jamie is transporting from shadow to shadow, and Natasha is people-ing. Investigation is one of her many skills. Yet Tony finds himself peeking at her occasionally. Not like he is worried about her failing or anything. But Nat was mad. Tony can at least tell that much.

Maybe she figured out he’s keeping a secret from the Avengers. That he wasn’t building the suits to be a better Ironman.

Or it could be the number of suits he built. A very small part, particle sized even, might admit that building forty-two suits over two years were pushing it even for Tony Stark. 

Maybe she realized how weak he really is. She can read minds after all.

“I’ve got the files.” Nat comes forward waving said files.

“Found a glowing killing thing.” Jamie intones from behind Tony while holding a women by the neck. Ever few heartbeats her skin glows orange. 

“How?” Tony tries to peer at Jamie while examining the woman.

“Stabbed her with one of Clint’s ice arrows.”

Nat settles a hand on her hip, smirking. “And why do you have one of those?”

Jamie makes a guilty little puppy whine and Tony heaves a sigh. “I’ll figure out how to make you an ice dagger Jamie.” Jamie smirks proudly. Nat pokes Tony in the shoulder and pouts. “You too, Natasha.” Both of them are radiate smug satisfaction and Tony would really love to know why. It’s not like he never said no. To any of them. 

Tony flips through speed reading until falls upon evidence for the most heinous of crimes. “Rhodes let some inferior science company work on MY suit. How could he? I’m hurt.” He pouts but takes a moment to glance at the potentially explosive lady. This was probably connected. 

A small piece of red hair tickles Tony face as Natasha leans against Tony’s back. “So what’s next?”

“Hacking!”

“Should I call Clint.” Nat grins.

“Nah. This is an ideal bonding moment.”

Jamie lifts his left shoulder and lets it fall as he rolls his neck. “I’m hungry.”

Tony nods. "Okay. Food is first then hacking onto the government."

@@@

“Tony?”

Tony has his sunglasses travel case open trying to decide whether the green or orange pair would work best. He’d like to go without this time but his genius told him that Steve was gonna pull of something crazy. Shades would be required. “Yes, Natasha.”

“Why is there an unconscious Senator on the floor?” 

Tony peered down at his feet, where Jamie was leaning against both Tony’s leg and table’s leg, eyes closed and humming some tune under his breath. Given the circumstance and Jamie’s more violent reactions in the past, things were going well.

“And why is Steve dressing up in a suit very similar to the Senator?”” She holds up his red and golden pair (specially made) then places them gently by his left hand. “Tony?”

“When I receive an award from the president, I happened to have a favorite Senator to bestow the honor.”

“Because of the whole suit debacle,” Natasha teases.

“I gave the government my Rhodey, what right do they have to demand more from me?”

“No argument. But you can’t really lord anything over an unconscious man.”

“Oh, he was Hydra. Jamie, of course, had the very understandable impulse to punch him.”

“Only once. With my right.” He pipes up. 

Tony smiles and runs a hand through Jamie hair. “And I am very proud.”

“And Steve?” Natasha points, a little dramatically if you ask Tony, at a now whistling Rogers. 

“Steve has always dreamed of being an American Senator.” Tony intones and smiling a little when Natasha cries bullshit with only a single eyebrow. It doesn’t help that Jamie snorted at the remark, as well.

Natasha pursed her lips. “We still have no plan for Hydra.”

“Nope.”

“You thought it would be fun for Rogers to troll both Hydra and the media.”

“Yup.”

“Fury isn’t going to like this.”

“Personally, I think he’ll take it as a challenge.” Tony he smiles and there might have been a hint of mischief. Only a hint. But he was following Captain America’s example. You can’t go wrong there.

“You’re villain is showing.” Clint singsongs.

Tony feels more than hears Jamie’s answering chuckle. “It’s cute.”

Well, Tony will take that as compliment then, he is, after all, scarier than both Cap and angry bees. 


End file.
